Wednesday, October 19, 2011

My man

I always struggle with putting my feelings for my husband into words that can fully embrace what he has meant to me. For those who know me well, it's no secret that when I met John back in 1999, I was at the height of my mental instability. I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar disorder until after Perrin was born, but there were obvious signs that I was unwell. I was a girl in tremendous pain, both physical and emotional. I had been discharged from the Army after a year of the worst hell I can imagine, and I felt like I had failed at being human. I had made way too many major life decisions in a very short time, and my edges were peeling. However, in the week that I met John, I was in my manic pixie party girl phase, and life was just about finding the fun and excitement in a desperate attempt to keep the crazy at bay. I believe that had I not been manic, I probably would've never caught his eye, so I am thankful for my bipolar brain for that bit of serendipity.
John changed my life. He was this mellow 20  year old guy who took himself way too seriously, but he swooped in and gave me a quiet mind for the first time in my life. He cleared up the muddles and loved being alive. He found this flicker of life left in me and ignited it. He helped me quit drinking excessively and gave me hope that allowed me to stop taking so many painkillers. He helped me face the scariest of my demons and was a safe haven, a warm place for me to fall. And I fell many times. I still fall now and again. And he continues to catch me. My crazy is caged, but when it bats against the walls, he helps me tell the monsters to fuck off. He is my anchor in the storm.
He is the most amazing father that a child could hope for. He doesn't hold back his love and affection for our son, and seeing that unconditional adoration in his eyes when Perrin hugs him is what I live for. He is the type of man that all boys should aspire to become. He can actually empathize with our son when his tics are bad or he's feeling sensory overload. They have a kinship that is undeniable. I feel unbelievably blessed that this is the man who chose to be mine, who chose to be the father of my child.

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